Thursday, May 31, 2007

To Lube or not to Lube….

Since primates first began roaming the earth they have partaken in the act of loving themselves. We see it everywhere from the monkeys at the zoo who throw their muckle like a Roger Clemens fastball at unsuspecting children, to apple pies and "hair gel" in multi-million dollar Hollywood movies. Masturbation is as old as dirt and is not going anywhere.

Over the years, new techniques have been created in an attempt to improve and better the experience. From heated bologna slices to a bottle of Lubriderm, I am beginning a weekly column examining the pros and cons of some more and less common ways of scratching that ever-present orgasmic itch. My examination centers around male masturbation techniques. For any members of the opposite sex reading this, please e-mail us at with your input on techniques for your specific equipment.

The first technique I will examine is shower masturbation AKA: The Shower-Stroke


Time-Saver: You are multi-tasking, cleaning your external self and cleaning out the pipe-work all at the same time.
Easy Clean Up: No worries about errant shots getting away from you. A shower is a contained environment constantly being flushed out with water.
Privacy: Unless you have a prior issue with people barging in on you in the shower, you should be guaranteed privacy to allow you to focus on the task at hand (pun intended)


Standing Up: Uncomfortable and down right dangerous. It could be very easy to slip due to the violent thrashing movements taking place. How embarrassing would it be to explain that black-eye or broken arm to your friends and co-workers?
Congelation: Upon contact with the water your sexual explosion hardens into a gel-like substance that can be difficult to detect and completely get rid of. Often, it is only after drying off or getting fully dressed that you notice the patch of sticky skin just above your kneecap.

Overall Assessment:
3 Palms (out of 5)- The time saving and privacy qualities of this technique are impossible to overlook. A little bit of forethought in the form of a bath mat and body awareness can negate the dangers of standing up and lessen the likelihood of an embarrassing gel mass on your forearm during the early morning board meeting.

Jimmy Fallon Stay Gone Away

So, Nathan posed a question the other week: "Who is less funny... or better yet, who is more unfunny? Jimmy Fallon or Dane Cook?"

My response was: "Dane Cook is the most worthless anti-comedian ever. ever." and I stand by that assertion. but the following sure makes a compelling argument...


The All-Time Underrated: Rick Moranis

I love Rick Moranis. I mean, just look at this guy! And it's not because he bears a more than striking resemblance to my father, David Gross. No, it's not that. Just think about all he's given us; from Strangebrew and The Great White North, to My Blue Heaven, to Honey I Shrunk The Kids (admit it, you all loved that dumb ass movie... remember when they were stuck in the lawn and took a ride on a bee and Rick had constructed some kind of suspension apparatus so he could look for them without stepping on them? yeah, i remember it too, and I'll tell ya, there's a helluva lotta things i'd rather dedicate my brain space to), to his inimitable role in Ghost Busters...

Man, this guy was great. But did I say was? Cause he's still out there, baby. Still makin' shakes. Still tellin us how it is. Still teachin' us all to stand a little taller, spread our shoulders a little wider, laugh a little louder, grin a bit more broadly. yeah. But he goes by Rick "Cougar" Moranis now, and he's got the growl of a thundercat. yowzah! Check it out:

he's singin a song about this country, man. and about a truck. or just the truck. I'm not really sure, and I guess that's the point.

Who Needs Bleach

I am black. It is official. Working in the DC school system has officially done to me what gallons of bleach and thousands of nose lifts have done for Michael Jackson... the complete transformation of ones race. I have assimilated into another culture, a culture where Myspace and Go Go music stand tall. 16 year old DC kids and I have found a common ground. I wanted to share this fact with everyone, and let you all know that I am here if you have any questions on the meaning of yun, steal, keel, or my favorite, roller. The following is a segment written by one of my favorite students. Stephon Hooks is a great kid. He has a great sense of humor, and where he lacks in actual conventional intelligence he excells in his gift of gab. The picture is of some of my students. Stephon is the tall guy with the ball. His testimonial proves that I am in fact a black man living in a white man's world.

Mr. Mac By: Stephon Hooks

Mr . McNutt is the most unfair man in this school. I wish he just go back to the south where he came from. I wish he would go back to the sand box that he came from, and play with his toy cars or go get him a happy meal or some thing. I just wish he would go away far away. Mr Mac as they call him as far as I know he can go back and play "rub on me" with his butt buddys . THE END NO NO NO NO MAC... THAT MY NIGGA. I FUCK WIT HIM. HE IS A GOOD MAN AND A STAND UP ONE. I CAN SAY THAT MAC IS THE ONLY WHITE MAN IN THIS SCHOOL THAT I CAN CALL BLACK. I FUCKS WIT HIM, AND ANY BODY THATS COOL WITH HIM IS COOL WITH ME.

Anonymous P.S. yes I am black. EST BANGERZ 4LIFE

Drinking Game of The Week: Edward Fortyhands

This is the first in a weekly series titled, (subtle now, wait for it...), "Drinking Game of The Week".

What could this series be about, you ask? Well, you dumb fuck, each week this Blog will feature a new drinking game we've either done, look forward to doing, or would never do because it would result in agonizing pain, temporary paralysis, loss of one of Nate's 3 testes, or death. This week's is one I look forward to doing.

Edward Fortyhands is simple. All you do is tape a full 40 to each of your hands. The 40s cannot be removed until both have been drunk. Elegant in its conception, efficient in its results, and potentially hilarious.

I think Ham will be the funniest with two 40s strapped to his hands. Or Nathan. Ham or Nathan. Tom will probly just try to insert one or more forties in the anus/es of another party goer/s. Obvious, Tom. We all saw that coming. I will probably act out some kind of inane dialogue between the two 40s strapped to my hands. Most likely, one will be my asian dry cleaning lady and the other will be some character inspired by Anchorman. How old is that movie now, anyway? Get over it, Alec.

Wednesday, May 30, 2007

48 hr. Film Fest Entry: Melody's Song

While noted for it's enthusiasm and exhuberant execution, it's still a mystery why this little cinematic gem didn't win an award...

Honestly, I'm not happy with my performance in this one. I really think I could've done more to make Neil proud. but ya gotta understand, they edited out most of the song... why would they do that? Here's the full set of lyrics, just so's you know what yer missing:
The Dixie Cup Express
written by Alec Gross
inspired by Neil Diamond
Take your time
But hurry up
Ask me for a glass
Give you a paper cup, just a paper cup
This ol' world
Gives you a heavy load
The dixie cup express
Will lick you like a toad, lick you like a toad
I'm singin' about life!
Also note Steven's inspired performance of his hit song "I Like Bananas"... it made it to #14 on the charts in Bali!

Follow this link and click on "Melody's Song" to watch. Don't forget your popping corn (shuck me! shuck me! popcorn!) :

Tuesday, May 29, 2007

Blat, Blat, Blat, Uranus:Interstellar Rainmaker

For those of you who have been to any of our 3 blow-out parties over the past few months, or one of our many late night, after-hours dance jams, or one of our grills, or just in the general vicinity of Ledroit Park, (our quaint village amidst the hustling, bustling modernity of this, the World's Capital), at any remote hour of the daynight, you know that we love to make it rain. Or, more accurately, we love to shake our shit against brick walls, door knobs, and that rare female ass that happens to hover unprotected within reach of our hips, while blasting R. Kelly's seminal R&B prophecy "Make It Rain".

Many number the ears of those delicate feminine ones who have suffered semi-permanent hearing loss and debilitating aural hemorrhaging after having "BLAT BLAT BLAT BLAT" shouted into their ears. God, that song is so great (hand clap).

Except... well, it always seemed a bit... terrestrial, ya know? A bit grounded? A bit beholden to the confines of this globe. And that's limiting. It really is.

Ahh, but that Nubian Prince of Vocal Veluptiousness, in his own words, "the Martin Luther King" of our generation, he sees beyond the beyond, into the beyond, and gifts us this:

wait for the countdown. and wait for when the once oft quoted Rainmaker rises beyond this Earth's atmosphere and rains down on a galactic level. See?:

And if time allows us/ we’ll be gone for hours
I wont stop until I give you meteor showers

Who'd have thought I'd be the first one to post something about R. Kelly?


“I'm the Ali of today. I'm the Marvin Gaye of today. I'm the Bob Marley of today. I'm the Martin Luther King, or all the other greats that have come before us. And a lot of people are starting to realize that now.” – R. Kelly [NYP]

Nate is Drunk, Tom cover your ears

Ok, so Nate has quickly become one of my closest friends. He loves me, and I am proud to say, I love him. Homo social. I also have another close friend who goes by the name of Gay Tom. GT, also lives with us in scenic 1906. Nate truly believes that GT is gay, and belligerently lets him know on a daily basis. I have known GT for 4 years, and although he has participated in some behaviors that could be considered as such, he always ends up in bed with something of the opposite sex. Therefore, here and now, I, Frank Hamilton McNutt IV, am stating that I do not believe that Gay Tom is actually gay. Now, I am not saying Nate hates gay people. I think he is frustrated with the fact that GT won't come out of the imaginary closet Nate has created for him.

I am worried that Nate has become a little too abusive of GT, especially when he drinks. As Stella Artoise is known as the wife beater in the UK, High Life is Nate's GT beating juice. Last Friday Nate called GT a fag probably over 100 times in the three hours I was hanging out playing caps. For those of you who have seen The Big Lebowski, picture a much skinnier middle eastern looking Walter telling a more pudgy blonde Donnie to shut the fuck up.

I would like to use this venue to ask Nathan to please, please, be nicer to GT. It causes some discomfort among our guests. I am sure we all know you are only kidding. Yet, your kidding can be quite harsh. Lets just all love each other in homo social ways, without yelling and carrying on how gay we all are.

...And a good day to you, sir!

Short of anointing oneself a nickname like J-Rock or B-Smoove, creating a blog is the most pathetically arrogant thing an individual could do. Fortunately, the manly residents of 1906 6th St. NW happen to be chalk full of arrogance and posses an inherent penchant for self deprecation. The combination of these combative qualities makes establishing a blog natural progression for the household’s collective comedic ambitions.

Alas, said deprecation is not reserved solely for ourselves, but for those in our immediate social circle or any poor soul to cross our paths. If you are indeed a friend of 1906 rest assured that your name will not be blasphemed on this page, but nevertheless you may want cease your weekly goat-fucking trysts.

This webspace shall serve as a Bastian of expressive freedom, including heroic tales of sexual conquest, coupled with debasing stories of intimate failure. The scribe’s of this tragic narrative will consider no subject taboo and visitors will realize as much when learning about how Watersports has surpassed Rugby as the house’s favorite pastime.

Professed arrogance aside, this blog won’t be solely reserved for commentary on our sad little lives. We will include scathing critiques of pop culture icons, creative exploits into the musical realm and ringing endorsements for qualified political candidates.

To evoke the great (or gay depending on your opinion) John Hughes via the Breakfast Club: we (in this house) are scholars, educators, economists, analysts, athletes, thespians, songwriters, comedians, debaters, culinary experts, gamers, regulators and occasional muff-divers. Our knowledge is vast and we seek to share it with the omnipresent internet community.

Additionally, we encourage guest contributions to our page. Please feel free to submit a worthy composition.

Alec, Hamilton, Nate, Tom