Celebrating 94 years of God

AD. Its such a funny little acronym. Now my Latin is a little rusty, but I believe AD stands for Anno Domini. For the less educated it means After Death, which makes absolutely no sense, unless Jesus died at birth... idiots. Anno Domini is translated into our language, English, as "In the year of our lord". That makes more sense doesn't it? Now that we understand the meaning of Anno Domini, I can more clearly convey to you the epic (as in Planet Earth epic) discovery I made the other night while stumbling home from the bars.

When ones mind is inebriated, he sees and processes things in a totally different light. Sometimes that light can become holy, and revelations are made. On my walk home, I passed by a church. A church I had passed by many times before. I don't know if it was the 100 ounces of Banana Mad Dog 20/20 circulating through my system or a call from an even higher power (I know its hard to think of something more powerful than Banana Mad Dog 20/20), but I noticed something on this Church's sign. It said, "Celebrating 94 years of God". I was dumbstruck. My whole life changed in an instant. Questions flashed through my head. What year does that make this? Was my Grandfather born Before the Common Era (BCE for the idiots)? Is God still alive and living in Florida? What time is it? 4:30 anti meridian (am, guys)... fuck I have to work tomorrow. How did I get so drunk? Wait, God is only 94 years old? I am freaking out.

So I went home and did some research... well first I got on a calculator and did some quick math; 2007-94= 1913. 1913? Could this be the true 0 Anno Domini? I then Googled: "1913 the year of our lord". Nothing. So I decided to find out more about the year itself. My tired and hazy toxic banana induced eyes scanned my screen for answers. It all began on Wednesday, January 1st... 1913. Wikipedia describes the year 1913, as common. The year our lord and savior was born is hardly "common" don't you think? It is for this reason that I no longer believe Wikipedia to be a trustworthy source. Woodrow Wilson was our leader in the political sense, I wonder if he knew a prolific spiritual leader was born during his tenure ship as president.

In 1913, the New York Giants fought a wily Philadelphia Athletics team in the World Series. The Giants had just come off yet another pennant win, and the Athletics were hungry newcomers to the big show. For the third straight year, much like the Bills and Broncos of the 90's, the Giants fell short of a World Series ring. There was much celebrating in Philadelphia, the city of brotherly love. God likes brotherly love, and probably had something to do with their upset. Across the Pacific in Australia, the Wallies began construction of their new capitol, Canberra. Because the criminals could not decide on Melbourne or Sydney as the capitol city, they compromised and made boring Canberra which is located smack in between the two larger cities. Only God's divine intervention could get these convicts to actually come to an agreement on something. Moving over to the Balkan states, freezing weather stopped everything, except the massively popular production of straw hats, which were selling like hotcakes in the almost Soviet Russia. Why straw hats you ask? My answer to you would be, only God knows. Back in the states, a great civil rights hero, Harriet Tubman, passed away of pneumonia. It was ironic that a new hero would be born that very same year... God. 1913 was also the 50th anniversary of the Battle of Gettysburg. God's birth would bring peace to the world... until World War I began a year later. But I don't blame God, he was only one year old. An infant cant stop Fascists. One last final miracle that occured in 1913, or as I now call it 0 Anno Domini Novus ( the New year of our lord). In an amazing display of compassion and humanity between two bitter rivals, Italy returned Da Vinci's Mona Lisa to its rightful owner, France. Only God could have fashioned such a fine example of camaraderie between two countries on the cusp of battle.

Yes, some may say the sign could have been a simple misprint. Some say that it is obvious that the church meant to say "Celebrating 94 years of worshiping God", commemorating the fact that the church opened in 1913. Yet, I choose to believe otherwise. I will leave it up to you, the readers, to decide for yourselves. My life will never be the same, but that's between me and the wisdom 94 years has given God.