Do you remember when SportsCenter was enjoyable? The show crammed itself with highlights – clips of world class athletes doing the amazing and unimaginable. Nightly, I itched for 11:00 hour to view the compilation of these memorable feats. Now, at 10:59, I’m forced to pop three Excedrin PM with aims of preventing myself from committing a hate crime against my roommate’s TV. What thee Fuck? The Worldwide Leader’s flagship program is now no different than DC’s abhorrent News 7, or any random local news channel. Gloom, doom, atrocity, danger, fear – it’s gone beyond ridiculous. Whereas local news reports 15 minutes of fabricated neighborhood murders, SportsCenter devotes at least a half hour to scandal, criminal charges and congressional indictments. Is this Court TV? I want to watch sports, fuckwads.
Obviously, ESPN’s new breed of shit throwing monkey’s are in heaven this summer with Vick, Bonds and Donaghy immovable from the headlines. I suppose these stories are somewhat important, but honestly I can’t take it anymore. According to reports “Atlanta Falcons owner Arthur Blank must factor protests from PETA and the negative publicity generated by them when considering disciplinary action against Vick.” Protests from PETA? Have I lost my fucking mind? These are the same people we tell to go fuck themselves when they block the sidewalk in front of Nordstrom’s. Remind me again of the public response to PETA’s ongoing crusade to “free” live mascots from their domesticated prisons. Last time I checked, Uga was still wearing a sweater and licking his own balls. Go save an Elephant bitches!
I concede that the destructive behavior of athletes and referees warrants some attention, but the media chooses to shove this stuff down the consumer’s throat until we choke, cough and vomit blood. I thought it would be in ESPNs best interest to protect athletes, after all, who will Skip “I was born with a Vulva” Bayless condemn when every black athlete is banished to attend classes at his “Nurture Your Vagina” detention center? Skippy is the only employee I’ve ever heard of who’s allowed to trash his own company’s product incessantly and still keep his job.
I can’t understand, is it ESPN’s goal to destroy every sport, to make me feel guilty about cheering for 756 or hoping that Vick stays out of jail? My generation – the current “it” generation and advertising’s target demographic – just wants the chance to experience a little bit of greatness. Instead, these bitter old media dinosaurs attack the morals, flair and attitude of their successors and diminish all of our accomplishments:
“Eighty points? What a ball hog. There will only be one Jordan.”
“How I long for the glory days, when white Americans could actually dribble the ball.”
“I’m so fucking old; I can’t make new memories, everything I see today is inherently shittier then when I had a functional brain.”
SportsCenter anchors and contributors have turned into the most predictably cliché group of American employees. Seriously, Mark Cuban has a better chance of being rejected at a whorehouse than an ESPN viewer has of making it one day without hearing drone Stuart Scott say “He’s straight ill wit it.”
That’s right; the sex workers of America have more backbone, integrity and balls than the newsroom in Bristol. By the way, I’m putting the over/under at two years for Ryan Seacrest becoming ESPN’s highest paid employee – in addition to his daily fluffing responsibilities (carried over contractually from his current job), he will replace Mr. Scott as the “edgy, almost black” anchor on ESPN.
This tirade could continue at infinitum, raising questions like why doesn’t the reputation of the Screen Actor’s Guild suffer when Lindsey Lohan is photographed snorting coke out of Nick Nolte’s shitter? Or what might happen if the media spent as much time investigating the crimes of our current Presidential Administration as they do on Pacman’s botched Rain Dance?
Obviously, ESPN’s new breed of shit throwing monkey’s are in heaven this summer with Vick, Bonds and Donaghy immovable from the headlines. I suppose these stories are somewhat important, but honestly I can’t take it anymore. According to reports “Atlanta Falcons owner Arthur Blank must factor protests from PETA and the negative publicity generated by them when considering disciplinary action against Vick.” Protests from PETA? Have I lost my fucking mind? These are the same people we tell to go fuck themselves when they block the sidewalk in front of Nordstrom’s. Remind me again of the public response to PETA’s ongoing crusade to “free” live mascots from their domesticated prisons. Last time I checked, Uga was still wearing a sweater and licking his own balls. Go save an Elephant bitches!
I concede that the destructive behavior of athletes and referees warrants some attention, but the media chooses to shove this stuff down the consumer’s throat until we choke, cough and vomit blood. I thought it would be in ESPNs best interest to protect athletes, after all, who will Skip “I was born with a Vulva” Bayless condemn when every black athlete is banished to attend classes at his “Nurture Your Vagina” detention center? Skippy is the only employee I’ve ever heard of who’s allowed to trash his own company’s product incessantly and still keep his job.
I can’t understand, is it ESPN’s goal to destroy every sport, to make me feel guilty about cheering for 756 or hoping that Vick stays out of jail? My generation – the current “it” generation and advertising’s target demographic – just wants the chance to experience a little bit of greatness. Instead, these bitter old media dinosaurs attack the morals, flair and attitude of their successors and diminish all of our accomplishments:
“Eighty points? What a ball hog. There will only be one Jordan.”
“How I long for the glory days, when white Americans could actually dribble the ball.”
“I’m so fucking old; I can’t make new memories, everything I see today is inherently shittier then when I had a functional brain.”
SportsCenter anchors and contributors have turned into the most predictably cliché group of American employees. Seriously, Mark Cuban has a better chance of being rejected at a whorehouse than an ESPN viewer has of making it one day without hearing drone Stuart Scott say “He’s straight ill wit it.”
That’s right; the sex workers of America have more backbone, integrity and balls than the newsroom in Bristol. By the way, I’m putting the over/under at two years for Ryan Seacrest becoming ESPN’s highest paid employee – in addition to his daily fluffing responsibilities (carried over contractually from his current job), he will replace Mr. Scott as the “edgy, almost black” anchor on ESPN.
This tirade could continue at infinitum, raising questions like why doesn’t the reputation of the Screen Actor’s Guild suffer when Lindsey Lohan is photographed snorting coke out of Nick Nolte’s shitter? Or what might happen if the media spent as much time investigating the crimes of our current Presidential Administration as they do on Pacman’s botched Rain Dance?
Instead, I am challenging myself with a call to action: Henceforth, I will be devoting the remainder of my life to creating a website and online community with the exclusive purpose of highlighting the positive work of athletes and feel good stories about sports. No DUIs or entourage melees, but insights on the comically ironical story of Shaq helping fat kids lose weight; shout-outs to Junior Griffey for autographing a magnum jock to a relentless heckler and of course a healthy dose of Maria Sharapova up-skirt shots™.
I shall call it a sanctuary for positive sports energy; a place to rival to ESPN’s constant hate mongering, where true fans can honor their heroes and ignore their human flaws.
Here are some classic clips to remind the true believers just how enjoyable sports can be:
I shall call it a sanctuary for positive sports energy; a place to rival to ESPN’s constant hate mongering, where true fans can honor their heroes and ignore their human flaws.
Here are some classic clips to remind the true believers just how enjoyable sports can be:
2 comments:
mister nate..... i'm picking up what your putting down. pti is about all that is salvageable from the nascar, afl, stephen ass nonsense that has become the machine. we see the outcome when a supposed media outlet markets what it owns. Look nor further than Carmelo. We hear so much about his "snitch" baltimore videotape, but how many espn viewers know he gives more than any other baller to charity? anyway, i couldn't agree with you more...... j
So starting in August, ESPN will officially close the door on the
last half of "The Big Show." Gone is Dan Patrick, along with the
"enfuego" years of ESPN...Now we must put up with crap like "Who's
Now?" ...or more like "Who cares?" I really dont care what 3 sports analysts with egos the size of Kobe Bryant telling me why Maria
Sharapova is more "now" then Chuck Liddell. Or telling me that Tony
Parker is more now then Matt Leinart b/c his wife is hotter than the vagina flashing duo of Britney Spears and Paris Hilton.
I mean, are you kidding me? ESPN has become the worldwide leader of
sports writers who want face time so they must yell and hollar louder
than everyone else to get their opinions across. Stick to the
highlights, if I want oppinionated banter I would listen to AM sports
talk radio.
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